Getting lost on the way

This blog post for July comes as I am engaged in one of my favourite activities of the year: watching the tennis from Wimbledon! With my MFA show behind me, I have returned over recent weeks to the studio to catch up on some icon painting, while at the same time trying to be gentle with myself after all that the last couple of years have held. I was stopped in my tracks this morning by a post that came into my social media newsfeed...

I needed to read that. Sometimes, we need others to remind us to stop awhile. Yet even then, the demands of life, the tasks that you set aside for a time now clamour for your attention; all crowd in and mean that keeping on going is still the order of the day. However, while I remain mindful of the deadlines that need to be met by the end of this month, I also have a deep sense that a season is indeed coming to a close. Next month, I shall be focussing on writing up and submitting my final evalution for the MFA and my time at Oxford Brookes will end. I have learned a great deal, both objectively in my study of contemporary art and the world in which it situates itself, and also about my practice as an artist. I can take this moment to be thankful for the opportunities I have had and take pleasure in what I have been able to achieve. Nevertheless, I have already landed back in my studio with one question, which resounds overwhelmingly in my soul, just as it is echoed by many around me who are interested in what I am doing: WHAT NEXT?

Choosing to live my life shaped by faith in God and a sense of vocation, this question is unable to be answered simply by reviewing the available opportunities and deciding which I like the look of the most. A life lived in obedience to Christ is one dominated by a different process, a process that often goes by the term 'discernment'. At the beginning of the journey into priesthood, the Church introduces those having a sense of God's calling into a period of 'discernment'. It is a time of many conversations, much prayer and introspection - above all, the candidate and those tasked with discerning vocation within the Church structures and processes are committed to listening for God's calling for the individual. For me, that process began almost exactly twenty years ago this year. Numerous informal conversations, interviews, written reports and presentations later, it was agreed that God was indeed calling me into ordained ministry and I was approved to start my theological training. But this process of discernment didn't stop there.

Since I was first approved for ordination training, I have sought to discern God's will as to whether I should complete my training, change theological college, find a curacy, leave my curacy, apply for specific jobs, accept a job offer, leave parish ministry, find somewhere to live, choose a church in which I might worship, undertake further study, choose between universities for an MFA, and a whole lot more besides. Periods of discernment have shaped the way in which I have exercised my priestly ministry and where. And discernment encompasses not just my priestly vocation but also impacts my role within our family, taking into account their needs and, in some cases, where as a family we are to live. Discernment, therefore, is not just about deciding your destination before you set out. At each step in my journey, I have endeavoured to question first and foremost where God is calling me to be; it is about seeking God's guidance for every twist and turn en route, recognising that sometimes (oftentimes!) you are likely to end up somewhere you might never have intended.

‘Father, if you are willing, remove this cup from me; yet, not my will but yours be done.’ (Luke 22.42)

All this has taught me, however, that discernment is most often an elusive and tricky process. I have prayed, felt absolutely convinced of God's calling me to particular jobs, only to be turned down at interview. I have read Scripture and sensed God's voice in the verses before me favouring a particular course of action, only for it to lead me into dark places. I have read the apparent signs and watched as circumstances have opened up unexpected opportunities, and walked through those metaphorical doors, only to have them slammed in my face. At the beginning of my journey to ordination, I noticed a pattern of God confirming a calling through the voices of many different people saying the same thing, but even that has not proved a reliable measure on every occasion. All these approaches carry the very real risk that my own preferences and desires will distort my thinking or my ability to hear God's word. So what can we do when we are trying to discern where we are being called?

I believe there is a reason I was drawn to those words from the Church of Scotland this morning. They have reminded me that discerning "what next?" is fundamentally not about working out for ourselves, through whichever means, what God is saying. There are no formulae to apply or processes to follow. If we are to start anywhere, it might just be that taking time to rest is all that is required. Taking time simply to be. Taking time not to worry about tomorrow (Matthew 6.34) and allowing the present moment to enfold us. Taking time for a path to open up, however unlikely or unexpectedly, without feeling the need to rush towards it or make it happen. This kind of discernment does not depend on someone else to unfold for you your vocation or to explain what God is calling you to do or be. Discernment of this kind rests simply on two things: trust and obedience.

To rest, setting aside any worry or fear amidst uncertainty, is to trust in God wholeheartedly that the next step on my path will be made clear to me when I need to know it (and not before). With that trust, comes the even greater challenge - to be wholly obedient to the path that is given, even if it turns out not to be the one I might have chosen for myself. I feel as though my past experience of periods of discernment have allowed me to reach this realisation; I don't need to wear myself out working at discerning. However, what I have also learned is that this alternative approach is far harder, since it means surrendering control.

So this is where I am at, in this transitional phase moving from a season of structured study, into I am not sure what. I continue to pray, to read, to reflect. I continue to work and cross things off my to-do list as I meet my pre-existing obligations and commitments. I have made some tentative enquiries and had conversations about certain possibilities, without being sure of anything. So if you see me over the summer, and ask "What's next?", the answer is "I don't know". Even in the midst of my busy-ness, I am trying to rest in not-knowing. And watching the tennis.

News

Back in the studio this month, I was delighted to complete a diptych commission, which is a gift to a church community. They will receive it this coming weekend, so you will have to wait until next month's blog to see it.

Since then, I have also completed my second icon in the neo-Coptic tradition. This is a design that I have had in mind for quite some time and never got round to, so I am particularly pleased to have taken this opportunity to spend time with it. My interpretation of the 'Last Supper' will be one of a few new card designs that I will have available from the end of the month, and also as a fine-art print. The original icon is for sale at £700, measuring 18 x 27cm on tulip wood with 23ct gold. Please get in touch here if you are interested. I finished it just after lunch today, so prompt readers of this blog post will be the first to have seen it.

Looking ahead to the autumn, my next Praying with Icons retreat is at the beautiful Launde Abbey, 7-9 September 2026. More details here. I am also booked to give a couple of talks on icons, one for the spiritual directors in Leicester diocese, and another for a church in Oxford diocese (details still being confirmed). Beyond that, I will be reconnecting with my calligraphy group, working on a couple more icon commissions and completing the next modules of my bookbinding course.

If you enjoy reading my blog and wish to support my ministry in a practical way, I have set up a page with "Buy me a coffee". This website, designed with creatives in mind, recognises that a whole load of my time goes into maintaining a website, keeping up with social media and writing blog posts, time that is not then available for income-generating work. Given that my passion for good coffee comes not very far behind my love for God and art (!), if you feel so inclined, you can click here to make a donation towards my ongoing ministry (but without any obligation to do so). Huge thanks to those of you who have bought me a coffee in previous months - please don't feel you have to every time or at all!